"I can't have you interfering with peoples' morning commute," blubbered a rotund San Leandro cop who had had nothing better to do than tail me for two miles and then pull me over to just to have a cow. "I know you're out here getting a workout and everything but if you can't use the sidewalk or find somewhere else I'm going to have to write you up."

Never mind that it was 8 a.m. and not a single car had honked at me for over two hours of MY commute. Forget that I wasn't working out but rather transporting myself to Fremont in order to help a friend move a mattress and box set. The cop would hear none of it.

"Those skates are classified as coaster vehicles and technically you're a pedestrian in the roadway" he spewed. I proceeded to get a lecture straight from the code book. Sunshades concealed my eyes, which were rolling around with disgust. I had an appointment soon and this power-tripper was holding me up.

"If you don't mind, officer" I interrupted, "I'll just stay on the sidewalk and be on my way." He got the idea. It put an end to his diatribe. The cop adjusted his belt and waddled back to his vehicle. Rolling away I heard him say "I suppose you skate on the road because it's smoother." No, duh.

For two blocks I did as told but it only aggravated life for me and everyone else. A woman in high heels flinched and nearly twisted her ankle when she saw me approaching. Then I was nearly t-boned by a Thunderbird screeching out of a fast-food joint. It was then that I decided I'd rather get hit with a big fat ticket than court disaster on the sidewalk. I hopped the curb back onto the street and made an all-out, mad dash for the city limits.

The last time I disobeyed a direct order not to skate in the roadway, I got slapped with a $150 ticket. Rather than fork over hard-earned cash, I decided to argue it in court. My defense was going to be simple. Since I was a professional skater who needed access to pavement in order to earn my livelihood, the ticket had to be dismissed.

I skated to my court date in my work clothes -- a skinsuit and helmet. I nearly wasn't allowed in because of a dress code. "No shorts in court" read a sign at the clerk's window. "I just skated 35 miles to get here and nowhere on this summons does it say anything about a dress code, m'aam, otherwise I'd have come prepared."

I got in. The court was packed with people. No reading material was allowed. Bailiffs led shackled men in front of the judge, who read the charges and asked how they pleaded. Some had been arrested for felony hit and run, others for repeat DUI offenses. The judge came down fast and hard and ordered serious pen time for most offenders. My palms were sweating bullets.

I got called to the dais after a deadbeat father pleaded no contest to skipping payments for two years. In the middle of reading my charges, the judge asked me whether it was a National Park cop that had stopped me. "Yes, it was, your honor" I replied, not mentioning that it was an overzealous rookie cop to boot.

"How do you stop on those things, anyway?" came his next question, taking me a bit by surprise. In a courtroom packed with criminals, I explained that if he could slalom ski he could slalom to stop on skates.

"I'm in the market for skates for my son," the judge offered. "How much do a pair cost?"

I held up my racing skates. "These Roces skates here cost upwards of a thousand bucks," I said, which caused a collective whistle in the courtroom.

For 5 minutes I was drilled by the judge on the intracacies of in-line skating. He asked me to approach the bench for some show and tell. I was growing increasingly self-conscious and didn't like the fact that he was leaving me hanging about the ticket.

Just as abrubtly as it all began, the judge thanked me and dismissed the ticket. I padded out of the courtroom in stocking feet just as a man with unpaid parking tickets was sentenced to 300 hours of highway trash pickup. Brutal.


Tips to Avoid Run-Ins With the Law

1. Skate Skinny. You'll impress John Law if occupy a narrower lane without weaving from side to side. Skate a straighter line by a) setting your skate down pointing straight ahead each time instead of facing outward like a duck, b) using your hips and directing your push with your heel, and c) keeping your upper body plastered over an imaginary center line to reduce excess lateral motion.

2. Tuck away an arm. You'll take up even less space if you rest your left arm behind your back. Usually the back of your hand will stay comfortably in the small of your back, but if you find it slipping off, it's possible to hook a finger or two under the waistband of your shorts or tights.

3. Keep close watch around you. If you can spot a copper before a copper sees you, you'll be in best behavior mode right off the bat. Checking back frequently is a good idea even if it's just to get a read on traffic so you know how conservatively to skate in your lane. Some skaters are more comfortable throwing a look over their shoulder, others like to sneak a look under their arm.

4. Use standard hand signals. Prove that you aren't a pedestrian by signaling your intentions like a motorist with inoperable taillights, or like every bicyclist should. This way, you're less likely to incur the wrath of an ossifer with nothing better to do than

5. Learn to stop on a dime. If you do get pulled over, show that you have command of your "toy coaster vehicles" by halting immediately. Slalom turns, powerslides, and frontward t-stops generate the most effective stopping power available. A simple demonstration of technical proficiency, perhaps the equivalent of a drunk test for suspected DUI motorists, is often all it takes to convince the cop that you are not a hazard on the roadway.

6. Always be deferential to the authorities. You'll be much more likely to be allowed to proceed if you don't disagree. Trying to explain how you aren't a pedestrian or how much more dangerous it is to skate on the sidewalk than the street will get you nowhere. Just say "yes officer, yes officer" and go back taking your chances doing exactly what you were doing before you got stopped. If you do get cited, your day to argue is in court, and chances are it'll be dismissed because the officer won't even show up!

7. Get to know a judge. I had the recent honor of teaching a judge at my skate workshop in New York City. Having allies in high places never hurts, especially when they're able to exercise leniency when it comes to existing skating laws. The more the justice system learns how in-line skating can be a safe, legitimate activity on public roadways, the rosier the future of our sport.

Eddy Matzger is a speed and distance world record holder in the Guiness Book of World Records . Currently ranked number 2 on the National Points Circuit, Eddy's race season is now in full swing. He races for TWINCAM bearings, Roces skates, PowerBar and Transpack backpacks and sunglasses. For information about Eddy's skate workshop, geared for all ages and abilities, call toll-free (888) WRK-SHOP.